


bad dragon

by Jdragon122, LunaStories



Series: Deadpool does Fandom [3]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Dildos, M/M, Medieval AU, Yeah that's it, and not even the fun kind, as usual, because fuck yeeeeeeeee bad dragon dildos are my best friends, besides spidey but then again he's not answering my calls, best bros in that I wanna bang him, find my bug boy 2k18, he's just...busy with something, if you weren't sure what i was talkin' about, only the best, spidey wouldn't fucking ignore me like this we're tight like thongs stuck in between butt cheeks, spideyyyyyyyyyyyy where you at, this here story be about bad dragons, we're best bros, wheeeere the fuck is spidey, white and yellow box says he's avoiding me but i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-14 13:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16493915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jdragon122/pseuds/Jdragon122, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaStories/pseuds/LunaStories
Summary: Spidey is a damsel in distress, Deadpool is a dashing prince...oh and there's a bad dragon. Will he succeed in saving his OTL? His One True Love???





	bad dragon

**Author's Note:**

> I am extremely hungover from the mad partying I did on Halloween- HA not. I wished. Tried to get drunk once and I drank an entire liquor store which didn't do shiiiiiit eating a bullet worked better. I hope all you fuckers had fun stealing candy from children and scaring the balls off some assholes, fun times. I went out in my fave maid outfit but nobody appreciated it :( It's like people these days can't look past my fucked up pepperoni face to the blackened soul underneath. Honestly, how rude, they're lucky I don't kill anymore. Well, I did make an exception. There are lots of monsters on the streets on Halloween but you'll all be happy to know I got rid of at least one evil motherfucker. Truly fucked up piece of work he was. Everyone thinks he's some charitable CEO but I've seen what he's done and he deserved to die. Oh shoot probably shouldn't admit to murder, Spidey would probably not be happy if he knew I killed his boss. Not that he seems to care recently, he still hasn't called me back. (´;︵;`) Whelp, I hope all you little burritos will like this sexy story I have for you ;) Enjoy~

“Help!”

Deadpool whipped his head around, his glorious, glowing mane of gold hair flying in the wind like a sensual windmill. Even though he was wearing his full Deadpool suit, his hair was still visible, akin to Trump’s fake ass wig.

We all know that toupee can’t be that orange organtun's real hair let’s be real.

Deadpool pulled out his huge sword. His sword was huge- for it had been blessed by the god of the mountains and dipped in the semen - no, blood of some bigger other god dude the first one had hated because he didn’t honor the bro code.

Anyways he whipped his dick out-

Wait his penis sword- that’s also not right.

Scratch that, he whipped out his sword and tucked away his cubungulous cu _cum_ ber for later use. Heh. Patting his cock cubical cushion with a soothing rub, he tugged the reins of his majestic horse Bea, who had served him well over the years.

She picked up speed until she was galloping through the forest towards the cave where Deadpool had heard that melodic voice calling for his help.

He burst into view as a loud roar spooked his beautiful horsey companion. Looking up, he saw the love his life, the beautiful Spidey, the sexy spidery spider, trapped in the clutches of an evil dragon.

“Spidey!” Deadpool called out, jumping off his horse gracefully and with ease like a gazelle. “Thou has arrived to save thy tantalizing toosh, oh fair maiden!”

“My name be’eth not Spidey!” Spidey yelled out as he swung his fists down, trying to get out of the dragon’s hold.

“Then what is thy name oh man of bouncy booties and busterous buttocks?” Deadpool yelled, his hands clasped together and hearts in his eyes.

“I will not telleth thee, go fucketh thyself with a cactus!”

Aw well that wouldn’t do, Deadpool knows that Spidey actually does like him. Even if Spidey tends to avoid him whenever they run into each other in the castle, or when Spiderman goes out of his way to avoid Deadpool’s phone calls- not that there are phones in this dashing medieval au fic.

But hypothetically if there were phones in this universe and Spiderman wasn’t answering his calls then what does that mean? Is Spiderman truly avoiding him or did he get himself in some serious trouble, just like how his beloved Spidey is currently in the clutches of an evil dragon.

“Are you two done yet?” The dragon asked, apparently very offended that he was being ignored.

“Not yet my good scaley. I am having a bit of a crisis-“

“I don’t give a fuck about your crisis,” The dragon said rather rudely and really, he was just like white box with how they bully him all the time. “Either fight me or I’ll eat this boy.”

“Never! For it is only I that is allowed to eat his beautiful ass!” Deadpool screeched as he swung his sword wildly, missing every time. He felt like one of those useless fuckers in action movies that shot a whole clip of bullets at the hero and yet they still couldn’t hit him. It reminded him of Captain America and his puny ass shield that was super cool but totally useless. Seriously what was up with that? His shield was ze size of ze dinner plate, why didn’t they just shoot him in ze legs (™ to that one viner who is a genius for figuring out such a solid tactic to take down Captain America)? Taking a page out of that one Viner’s brilliant military tactics book, he kicked the dragon in the shins, his sharp red bottom Louboutin stilettos instantly piercing through the Dragon’s thicc scaley hide. He was a classy bitch and he had to do it to ‘em.

“What the fuck?” Yelled the dragon as he instantly died and Deadpool caught Spidey just as he fell out of the Dragon’s claws. The world seemed to be in slow motion, and his oceanic orbs, the size of dinner plates, were on the prize: that delectable booteh.

  
“I had to do it to ‘em.” Deadpool replied somberly before flipping his silky mane like a surfboard riding some gnarly waves. The lovely golden tresses that would give that bitch Rapunzel a run for her money whipped Spidey in his face, and he spluttered as honey hair got in his mouth.

Spidey sighed longingly, the back of his hand resting on his forehead as he blinked thiccc eyelashes at Deadpool. They fluttered like butterflies on a migration run, and Deadpool sighed as one long eyelash gently caressed his mask. Deadpool ripped off his mask, revealing Ryan Reynolds underneath it.

“Oh Deadpool, I was wrong before! Forgive me for avoiding you for such long a time and not answering your calls even though thou callest me like at least forty times. Eighty if you count the times you sobbed as you cried into a pillow and jerked off to my voicemail.” Spidey pouted at him and Deadpool leaned in, pressing a passionate kiss onto his plush pillow peaches. They battled for dominance yet again but this time Deadpool won in the wet mouth jousting competition.

“All is forgiven Spidey, thou’st are the love of my immortal life after all. You, the poor stable boy, and me, the handsome amazing knight here to save thou from this bad dragon! And it’s not even the kind of Bad Dragon I enjoy three times a day if you know what I mean.” Deadpool set down Spidey only for him to swoon into his arms immediately, his face flush like a baboon’s ass.

“Oh Deadpool! Thou be’st so thiccccc and strong, taketh me away to thy poppin palace. And your wild wiggly wang be’st even bigger than the dragon’s!”

“Yeah well,” Deadpool puffed up his chest, those peppy chest bogangas the stuff of legends and could probably double as a bouncy house in some areas. They had the consistency of memory foam (probably because of the constant cancer) for maximum comfort but the firmness of Thor’s biceps. “He might’ve possessed a literal Bad Dragon Dildo Penis, but mine is bonafide grade A sexy Canadian meat. Whole grain, vegetarian, and with none of that bullshit non-fat 2% milk nonsense.”

“Deadpool,” Spidey gasped, instantly turned on by his raging manliness that seemed to overwhelm Spidey like the scene where Bea flashed a bit of her ankle and Deadpool had to wank one out for about a week before he felt like he’d properly paid homage to her. “Taketh me now!”

“Call me Wade,” Deadpool growled out like a #Bear- with Spidey the domineering Twink of his rainbow dreams- as his clothes magically fell off, leaving him gloriously naked. “I’m actually also a magician. Oh and I’m the prince too.”

“But didn’t you just say you’re a knight-“

“Shhhhh,” Wade pressed his liquid viagra lips to Spidey’s, giving him a harsh nip as he did. He licked it to soothe the burn, like that one time he tried to test how many licks it took to get to the center of a tootsie pop. His tongue had been out of commission for about a week, but he still ate hot sauce with his tacos because he was a strong man that don’t need no...man. Okay that sounded better in his head with the voices egging him on but you get the picture.  “I am whatever the fuck I wanna be.”

“Okay,” Spidey whimpered out, unable to resist as Wade’s sheer sexiness left him whining and about ready to cum. His round orbs of cuteness looked up into Wade’s equally smitten smolder. “My name is Queen Elizabeth!”

Wade pulled back, his face shocked but still super turned on.

“But wouldn’t that make thou my mother, if I’m the prince or something?”

Queen Elizabeth seemed to think for a moment before shrugging.

“Different time periods, I think we’re like in older medieval times not modern day England. Besides those olden day peeps were nasty, they would literally fuck their own mothers.”

“Oh cool, sweet,” Deadpool went back in and sucked on Peter’s neck like a loving leech. “Time to do the hokey pokey and get some dicky in you, my sweet Queen. I promise it’s ribbed for your pleasure.”

“Oh Deadpool!” Elizabeth said for the 20th time since this fic started because Deadpool was super original and stuff.

Deadpool fished in his pocket for the lube, even though technically lube hadn’t been invented yet. Spidey was conveniently naked suddenly and he stuck two lubed up fingers into Spidey’s booty hole which he was now set to plunder for goods. The salad was greatly mortified.

“Arrrrrr,” Deadpool groaned as he pushed his pertinent pen of justice into Spidey’s moist cavern of love.

“Your zombie/pirate growls have me so turned on!” Spidey said as he moaned, pressing back into the bulldozer like thrusts. Deadpool was a construction worker and he was determined to excavate a place in Spidey’s ass for his dangling dong.

“Arrre you feeling it now Mr. Crabs?” Deadpool growled into Spidey’s slippery, eel like skin shining with sweat and looking sexy as a muthafucka.

“What?” Spidey gasped.

“I should’ve warnest thou… I have crabs.” Then out of nowhere, Deadpool hears it… the scuttling of something behind them. Deadpool sees Spidey’s eyes go wide and he slowly turns around. Then, he sees him. Out of a bush, a man with a crab suit emerges.

“Hello, my name is Connor, the android -”

“YOU’RE IN THE WRONG FUCKING UNIVERSE BRYAN!”

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> I have to say fucking a dragon is truly a dream of mine, right after touching Spidey's ass. Bad dragon dildos are in fact very enjoyable mmmm 10/10 would fuck again. (^_<)～☆ B-T-dubs I've been reading all your comments and I have to say that I'm loving all the support. I mean, I'd support me too I'm a hunk of a man you can find me T-posing all across New York. What I mean to say is thank you for the well wishes, goodlucks or whatever the fucks. Love your comments but what would be even better would be a call back from Spidey. That one fuckface Jamesballs hasn't run any stupid articles about him lately. It's almost like he went off the map, maybe I'll have to make missing person posters next he would hate that WHICH MEANS I HAVE TO DO IT. WOOOOOO until next time, deadman shippers, DP out.


End file.
